Grief.
When a human dies, you grieve the loss of a person. They are missing from your life, but life continues, and you figure out how to live without them. You create new traditions and new memories that they are no longer a part of. Although the sting of them being gone never leaves, you can make adjustments to your life that can make things less painful through time. After that death, people check in on you; they do whatever they can to make your life easier because they too know what it is like to lose someone. You are given tips on how to grieve and move on with life and are supported through it all. No one tells you how to mourn when the person you are grieving is yourself. People don't bring you food, and kind words or check in on you. Mourning yourself seems weird. Well, let me explain.
When I sustained my concussion, it changed me, and yes, growth has come from it, but when an injury to the brain occurs, it changes the state of it. The same way when you cut your arm - the cut may heal, but if it was deep enough, it still leaves a scar. I hit my head hard enough that even though it shows it has recovered the best it can, the state of it has been altered. It caused a chain reaction that started in the brain but now impacts the majority of my body. My question now is, how do I grieve the person I was before the accident? As people, we grow and change, it's natural and good for us, but what happens when our personality and characteristics get so altered into something that we no longer recognize the person we have become and the life that it has brought us.
Don't get me wrong; I have experienced growth that without the accident may have taken me years and years to achieve. I am thankful for all of the good and new things that have been brought into my life because of the accident. What happens when the goals and plans are no longer there, though? What happens when the things you once loved doing you are no longer able to do? What about the items on your bucket list that you are now unable even to imagine doing? How do you grieve a person, yourself in particular, that is still living and breathing?
As a child, I had opinions on what I wanted to be when I grew up - as do many kids. The older I got, the more serious I became with those opinions. My parents consistently said, to do something, choose something, you will enjoy and know that you don't have to do it for the next 40 years. It's okay to switch jobs and find new ones that you may love even more. We were encouraged not to live a 'cookie-cutter' life, meaning we didn't have to follow the exact plan that seemed to be laid as 'what you do after high school.'. In addition to that, every new year, we would sit around as a family and talk about the highs and lows for the year, our resolutions for the upcoming year, our top bucket list items and the conversation would end with our 3, 5, and 10-year goals. I didn't have anything overly specific on my list ever, but still had goals. Such as, in blank years, I want to buy a car or a house or a career I wanted to have or a mark I wanted to work towards for a particular class. Other times, it was wanting to give back more to others or adding a travel destination or adrenaline-pumping activity to my bucket list. The new year always started by adding more goals and shaping what I wanted my future to look like. For years, I had built up this grand scheme of where I wanted to be in life and what I wanted to be doing, when I wanted to have a family by, and what I wanted to accomplish by certain ages.
I had done all of this planning and worked hard in high school so that my dreams and goals could become a reality - I was working on getting the life I wanted. When I look at my life now, it isn't the way that I planned. Figuring out how to grieve the life I once planned for myself and worked so hard to get is difficult. The person I was, along with the goals and everything I had planned, before the accident, is no longer existent now. Most of those goals, the jobs I wanted, the things on my bucket list are now things that I no longer even have the option of. I will and have made new goals and am trying to replan my life so that it is more suitable for the hindrances I have now. The sting that comes after laying in bed all day, every day for multiple days in a row knowing that the plans I once had for my life, were no longer plans, but merely dreams of "what ifs." Which leads me to the question, how does one grieve something so personal that to anyone else, is unnoticeable?
I don't have any answers. I don't have a magic word or quote or song to answer this. I don't know how you grieve the person you once were. I don't know how you set new goals, standards and dreams remembering the dreams and goals and standards you once had will no longer be reachable. I don't know when life will feel normal again after the loss of something or someone. I don't know if things will change or if a new normal will occur that you think is the same. I do know that God cherishes your pain, and He does not waste it. Every aching heart, every sorrow and every single emotion we feel will be used for greater glory.
I don't know how you explain to other people that you are grieving the death of yourself when they still see the same smiling person you once were. If you are grieving the death of the person you once were, know that the person who will regrow will be stronger, than the person you once were. Sometimes we think we have been buried, put in the dirt and left there, but hold on to the hope that even if you are there, right now, God is going to pull you out and you are going to thrive and flourish in the new that will be around you. Let God plant you, accept that you may be buried, so that in return, you can bloom into the person you were created to be.
I do know the following:
It's okay to take the time to grieve the person you once were.
Not everyone will understand. Find the people who do.
You aren't alone.
One day, you will wake up, and things will seem normal again.
Things will get better.
Have hope.
Your identity rests in more important things than how much money you have, and how many people know your name and how successful you are.
Music helps.
Give yourself some grace.
Embrace the people around you who care.
Take a break from your phone.
Relax.
Pray.
When I sustained my concussion, it changed me, and yes, growth has come from it, but when an injury to the brain occurs, it changes the state of it. The same way when you cut your arm - the cut may heal, but if it was deep enough, it still leaves a scar. I hit my head hard enough that even though it shows it has recovered the best it can, the state of it has been altered. It caused a chain reaction that started in the brain but now impacts the majority of my body. My question now is, how do I grieve the person I was before the accident? As people, we grow and change, it's natural and good for us, but what happens when our personality and characteristics get so altered into something that we no longer recognize the person we have become and the life that it has brought us.
Don't get me wrong; I have experienced growth that without the accident may have taken me years and years to achieve. I am thankful for all of the good and new things that have been brought into my life because of the accident. What happens when the goals and plans are no longer there, though? What happens when the things you once loved doing you are no longer able to do? What about the items on your bucket list that you are now unable even to imagine doing? How do you grieve a person, yourself in particular, that is still living and breathing?
As a child, I had opinions on what I wanted to be when I grew up - as do many kids. The older I got, the more serious I became with those opinions. My parents consistently said, to do something, choose something, you will enjoy and know that you don't have to do it for the next 40 years. It's okay to switch jobs and find new ones that you may love even more. We were encouraged not to live a 'cookie-cutter' life, meaning we didn't have to follow the exact plan that seemed to be laid as 'what you do after high school.'. In addition to that, every new year, we would sit around as a family and talk about the highs and lows for the year, our resolutions for the upcoming year, our top bucket list items and the conversation would end with our 3, 5, and 10-year goals. I didn't have anything overly specific on my list ever, but still had goals. Such as, in blank years, I want to buy a car or a house or a career I wanted to have or a mark I wanted to work towards for a particular class. Other times, it was wanting to give back more to others or adding a travel destination or adrenaline-pumping activity to my bucket list. The new year always started by adding more goals and shaping what I wanted my future to look like. For years, I had built up this grand scheme of where I wanted to be in life and what I wanted to be doing, when I wanted to have a family by, and what I wanted to accomplish by certain ages.
I had done all of this planning and worked hard in high school so that my dreams and goals could become a reality - I was working on getting the life I wanted. When I look at my life now, it isn't the way that I planned. Figuring out how to grieve the life I once planned for myself and worked so hard to get is difficult. The person I was, along with the goals and everything I had planned, before the accident, is no longer existent now. Most of those goals, the jobs I wanted, the things on my bucket list are now things that I no longer even have the option of. I will and have made new goals and am trying to replan my life so that it is more suitable for the hindrances I have now. The sting that comes after laying in bed all day, every day for multiple days in a row knowing that the plans I once had for my life, were no longer plans, but merely dreams of "what ifs." Which leads me to the question, how does one grieve something so personal that to anyone else, is unnoticeable?
I don't have any answers. I don't have a magic word or quote or song to answer this. I don't know how you grieve the person you once were. I don't know how you set new goals, standards and dreams remembering the dreams and goals and standards you once had will no longer be reachable. I don't know when life will feel normal again after the loss of something or someone. I don't know if things will change or if a new normal will occur that you think is the same. I do know that God cherishes your pain, and He does not waste it. Every aching heart, every sorrow and every single emotion we feel will be used for greater glory.
I don't know how you explain to other people that you are grieving the death of yourself when they still see the same smiling person you once were. If you are grieving the death of the person you once were, know that the person who will regrow will be stronger, than the person you once were. Sometimes we think we have been buried, put in the dirt and left there, but hold on to the hope that even if you are there, right now, God is going to pull you out and you are going to thrive and flourish in the new that will be around you. Let God plant you, accept that you may be buried, so that in return, you can bloom into the person you were created to be.
I do know the following:
It's okay to take the time to grieve the person you once were.
Not everyone will understand. Find the people who do.
You aren't alone.
One day, you will wake up, and things will seem normal again.
Things will get better.
Have hope.
Your identity rests in more important things than how much money you have, and how many people know your name and how successful you are.
Music helps.
Give yourself some grace.
Embrace the people around you who care.
Take a break from your phone.
Relax.
Pray.
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